Real Housewives of OC: It's a Not-Celebration!

Previously on the Real Housewives of Orange County, everyone went to Vegas where Gretchen proved to America that she absolutely can not sing - not even a really easy song with strippers pulling attention away from her voice.  And where Briana secretly got married at a chapel with a drive-through window.  We left Vicki just before her head exploded upon hearing the news.

Tonight we join Tamra and Vicki shopping for lingerie.  Ugh, do we really have to see this?  Who wants to watch grandmas shopping for underwear?

"And I've been using fake fur to make my boobs look bigger, but I've got to change my clothes eventually, right?"

Oh, but I forgot there is an important issue at hand, which is that since Tamra has had her implants removed, she needs to be fitted for a brand new bra!  And since Vicki’s never had a special fitting, she’s going to get one too!  Vicki tells the lady with the tape measure that she doesn’t want a pointy bra; she wants to look natural.  Vicki, you’re not being measured for a “Mad Men” costume.  I think you’ll be all right.  It turns out that Vicki is a double F and Tamra is a D.  And that’s post-implant removal.  Whenever I see professional bra fittings on TV people are told they’re way bigger than they think.  It never sounds right.  Do the pro bra fitters have their own scale?  Either way, Vicki is offended because she doesn’t even think she’s a D.

"My new boyfriend hates boobs.  HATES them.  So I made mine smaller."

Once they get their bras squared away, they wander into the sexy lingerie section, which is just gross.  Tamra suggests Vicki gets something for Briana’s honeymoon, and Vicki gets all fidgety.  Tamra says she thinks that with all of the things going on in Briana’s life with her parents and her health, she may be reaching for something that just isn’t right.  Who can blame her?  Also, it makes total sense that Ryan would want to get married after being deployed.  Isn’t that pretty common for military guys?  Wanting to form strong connections at home?  Anyway, all Vicki cares about is that Briana’s eloping is making her look tired and sloppy.  Also that it robs her of the chance to be the overbearing mother of the bride.  Tamra points out that this is Briana’s decision and she’s the one who has to live with it.  How is Tamra the voice of reason here?

Over at Gretchen’s, Slade is doing the world a disservice by donning spandex biking shorts.  Gretchen is taking a curling iron to her extensions and brilliantly deduces that Slade is going for a bike ride.  She’s on her way to lunch with Tamra and wishes that Slade and Tamra would just become besties already.

Slade’s biking buddy for the afternoon is Scott, Gretchen’s dad.  I can’t believe her parents even speak to Slade.  Slade tells Scott he wants his permission to propose to Gretchen.  This again?  Doesn’t this come up a lot?  It’s like Slade gets worried that he’ll get the axe when casting for next season comes around, so he makes sure to pretend to have honorable intentions every now and then.  Then never does anything about it except charge Gretchen for his time.  Scott reminds Slade that he’s broke, a deadbeat dad, and America’s most hated man and that there’s no way his daughter is going to legally take all that on.

"I mean, no offense, Slade.  But you're a total loser."

He advises Slade to get his crap in order so that maybe somewhere down the line he’ll have a chance at making a serious candidate for a husband.  I’m sure none of this will register with Slade.

At lunch with Tams and Gretch, serious cocktails are ordered and Tamra confides in Gretchen about wanting to open a fitness studio.  She stresses that it’s not a gym - it will just be a place to attend group classes.  A STUDIO.  Gretchen says that’s cool, then Tamra tells us she’s glad Gretchen is supportive about her gym.  HA!

"So if it's not a gym, but it's a gym, can I get a gym membership to your gym?"

Tamra asks about Slade, and Gretchen spills her guts about all of Slade’s debt and how she loves him to death, but she doesn’t want to marry him and assume responsibility for all of the financial messes he’s made.  Basically, she’s not interested in getting married.  It’s enough to just let him leech off of her without making herself legally obligated.

And back to Vicki, who of course can’t apply her own makeup, so she’s telling her makeup artist that she and Tamra have launched a Wine of the Month club and they’re having a party to launch it tonight.  Wow, how original of them.  It’s not even like they’re making their own wine, like Ramona.  Just giving people the chance to send them money to pick out a bottle of wine for them to drink each month.  And since Vicki’s still mad that she didn’t get to wear a gown to her daughter’s wedding, she’s made the launch party a formal event.  AKA, Briana’s not-reception.  In fact one of Vicki’s major plans for the evening is to announce the wedding to her friends and accept their good wishes (you know, like a receiving line).  The other thing she’s squeezing in is introducing Brooks to both of her children, who frankly aren’t interested in meeting him.

Briana and Ryan are at their place getting ready for their not-reception.

"Honey, you look beautiful in your not-wedding dress."

Briana tells us how weird she thinks her mother’s relationship with Brooks is.  She says that Vicki had barely filed for divorce when she announced to Briana that she was in love.  And no one knows anything about him.  No one knows what he does for work, he’s never with his kids who live in Mississippi - he’s always here with Vicki, he drives Vicki’s car around, and she’s bought him a whole new wardrobe.  Briana sums it up - he seems like an opportunist.  But Briana, he sends your mother daily affirmations - doesn’t that count for anything?  I mean, he has to have a legitimate job and life as well?

"So then Tamra and I got our boobs measured, but I was on my period and I think that makes them bigger, don't you?  I mean, double F?  I'm not even a D.  Anyway, my ungrateful brat of a daughter..."

Vicki’s still yammering to the makeup girl about how rock solid her relationship with Briana has always been and we’re treated to flashbacks of them fighting over the years.  Well, more like Vicki annoying the crap out of Briana and Briana heroically clinging to sanity.  And Vicki goes on and on about how she hasn’t been able to sleep, she can’t eat, she can’t concentrate, she can’t do ANYTHING.  Interestingly, we hear nothing about her concern for what all of this could mean for Briana.  Only her concern about how it’s put a damper on Vicki’s week.  And with her big launch party!  How could Briana be so inconsiderate?

Let’s go to the launch party!  Tamra is first to arrive and she’s wearing a red dress that looks very similar to the one Briana was getting into.  As her date Tamra has brought her bearded son, Ryan.  He’s a sketchball.  With his sketchy job and his empty big boy apartment.  Gretchen and Slade arrive - not engaged.

I'm sure France would be pleased to know that their flag is being denigrated in this manner.

And soon Heather and Terry follow.  Tamra’s glad to see Terry because she wants a free consultation on getting her “Simon” tattoo cut out of her ring finger.  She’s got another marriage to get on with.  Oh that’s right!  Terry is a plastic surgeon!  I had forgotten.  Vicki’s son Mike shows up to his sister’s formal not-wedding in jeans and a button-down.  That’s funny.  Brooks immediately pulls Mike out onto the balcony to bond.  He tells Mike they have a lot in common, that Brooks really appreciates the support Mike has been to Vicki over the last few years, and how about that sneaky Briana running off to get married!?  Mike goes, “I don’t really want to be doing this right now,” and walks back inside.

"So I'm the guy who's been banging your mom!  Gosh it's great to meet you!"

Brooks is SUCH a tool.  Thanks for being a support to your mother these last few years?  These last few years before I even knew her?  He’s an intruder. Does he really think the kids are going to respect him?  Mike tells us he’s not looking for any kind of role model in his mom’s boyfriend.  Well good, because you won’t find one. 

Jim and Alexis roll in halfway through the party.  Alexis tells us this is “fashionably on time.”  Tamra explains that it takes drag queens a long time to have their makeup applied.  True. 

In tonight’s mini scene, Heather calls Terry over to listen to Brooks tell Vicki that his goal is to make her feel like she’s going to the prom every day.  The prom!  That’s what every 50-something woman wants to hear.  Terry listens, then says he’s going to take Heather home and slap her around a bit so she won’t expect so much.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Briana and Ryan are the last to arrive, and before they get all the way in, Vicki gathers the whole party around for an announcement.  She thanks everyone for coming, then says those who know her know that the most important thing in her life is her children.  She wouldn’t care if there was nothing in her checking account as long as her children are happy and healthy.  Everyone starts rolling their eyes, but then Vicki says all ominously that not everyone knows what’s been going on in her life lately.  And that the other night, Briana took Vicki out for dinner and told her something that changed her life and changed Briana’s life forever.  Here’s where the tears start to flow.  Good grief, could she make this any more about HERSELF?  She’s obviously making people worry that Briana has cancer after all. 

Tamra:  "Thank goodness I wore my best bereavement dress."

Gretchen looks like she’s about to throw up with concern. Back to the speech:  Vicki wants everyone to hear this first hand.  Her daughter went to Las Vegas last week and (saw a world class oncologist?)... she... (had surgery that attempted unsuccessfully to remove her final malignant tumor?)... got married!  Everyone stands there blinking because they’re trying to shift from preparing for death to congratulating Briana.

"Goody! I have the perfect Alexis Couture for Briana's funeral.  Wait, what?"

Briana and Ryan walk out and sure enough, Briana and Tamra are wearing the exact same dress.  I find that hilarious for some reason.  Their age difference?  The fact that the producers said nothing?  It’s Briana’s big announcement and someone skinnier is wearing an identical dress?  I don’t know, it’s just humorous.

"No talking, Briana.  This has been really difficult for me.  And it's MY night."

Anyway, Vicki publicly welcomes Ryan to the family and everyone relaxes and begins to offer their congratulations.  Heather is shocked and thinks this could be a mistake.  Alexis says if one of their girls did this Jim would lose it.  Terry says that if one of HIS girls did this, he’d be happy he didn’t have to pay for a wedding.  HA! Male perspective. 

Before Briana can hog all the attention, Vicki calls the party back to order.  She has a surprise for Briana now.  Briana says softly, but in front of everyone, “Please don’t tell me you’re engaged.”  Oh, Brooks, look how much Vicki’s kids love you.  Thankfully no, Vicki’s not engaged.  It’s funny, though, that Briana went right to that.  She knows her mom can’t let the spotlight off of herself for more than a few seconds and would happily turn Briana’s not-wedding reception into her own engagement party.  But the surprise is just Vicki’s brother Billy, here to join the party.  He’s very jolly and shakes Ryan’s hand.  Vicki gives a toast that is just so HER.  “Everybody raise a glass to Ryan and Briana... and MY crazy ass life!  Who does this?  Cheers!”

"Those of you who are not mothers will never understand how hard this has been for me."

She couldn’t have stopped halfway through that, could she?  Nope.  It has to come back around to her.  Mike weighs in and tells the camera that he found out about the marriage on Facebook and it’s disappointing.  Aw, that’s kind of sad.  But Briana has gotten a huge ring in the meantime.  Heather tells her it’s very elegant.  Tamra yells to the room, “Are you pregnant?”  OMG, shut up, people! 

Next Tamra and Vicki stand up and tell about their latest business racket - this wine club.  I, for one, am sure it will go far.  Meanwhile Heather tells us she’s getting the feeling that these women don’t go to many formal events and they’re out of their element.  Unlike her, of course, who attends MANY formal plastic surgery functions, necessitating a private “clothe-ee-ay,” as we well know.

Brooks has had a few too many and corners Vicki and Tamra to tell them what an excellent job they’ve both done raising their sons.  He tells Tamra that her Ryan is “the bomb.com.”  Keep in mind, these are people he’s met in the last 10 minutes.  Also keep in mind that he said, “bomb.com.”  Vicki is enamored.  Tamra is disgusted. I’m with Tamra.

Vicki goes up to Briana and Ryan and tells them that she’d like them to meet Brooks now.  After all, she’s accepted Ryan into the family so now Briana owes it to her to accept Brooks.  How can she possibly think it’s the same thing?  This is the THIRD love-interest she’s dragged into Briana’s life and she’s still married to Briana’s stepdad who raised her.  Briana is very irritated and does not want to meet Brooks at all.  She even correctly points out how critical Vicki would be if one of the other housewives were dating Brooks.  But they all go into a room and Vicki makes the introductions.  Vicki goes on about how everyone is in transition and Briana just keeps looking at her husband.  Brooks butts in and says he’s glad Briana’s happy and he’s been praying for her health.  Also he thinks it’s interesting that two midwestern women came to California and met two southern men.  Vicki jumps in to point out that Brooks is from the poorest state in America and she’s from the richest county in California.  What?  Is everyone wasted?  Vicki says everyone gravitates toward people they love.  Briana gravitated toward Ryan and Vicki gravitated toward Brooks.  Briana goes, “It’s totally different.”  Ryan looks back and forth and just says, “To each his own.”  Vicki can’t stand the nerve and attitude of these two young reckless hooligans.  She tells us she just hopes Briana knows that she’s hurting her deeply, she would never do that to Briana (too late!), and she didn’t raise her to be that rude (I beg to differ if we’re teaching by example here). 

Next week!  Gretchen still doesn’t want to marry Slade, Slade wants to buy a fake diamond ring, and Alexis has a birthday party for small children where she gives a very detailed medical account of her daughters’ birth.  Also, Vicki and Briana get into it and Briana tells Vicki that regarding her relationship with Donn, Briana knows a lot more than Vicki thinks.  What could that mean!?

So tell me what you think about the whole not-reception!  And remember - there is no “us” without “u.”  LOVE!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Real Housewives of OC: Vegas Confidential

Hey guys!  The comments last week were HILARIOUS!  The Lifetime movie about Brooks and Vicki?  Awesome.  Bravo just continuing to roll tape as Brooks drains Vicki’s accounts?  Exactly.  What a great episode that would make!  You guys are just a constant reminder that there is no “us” without “u!”  I love it!

All right, we’re still in Vegas and we’re still at the Pussycat Dolls strip club and Gretchen is still in sparkly lingerie getting ready to shake her moneymaker in front of dozens of people.  She tells us that not only is she singing in the show, she’s also introducing the whole show.  Oh, good thing she has that hosting coach she told us about or else this could be embarrassing.

"Anyone know how to turn this thing on?"

She wiggles her butt around and introduces the dancers, tells everyone it’s her birthday, then runs offstage to change into stripper costume #2.  The rest of the gang is entertained by the dancers.  Vicki tells us that Brooks, being from the South, has never seen anything like this.  Riiiiiiiight.  There are no strip clubs in the South and even if there were, Brooks has certainly never patronized them.  Sure.  We see a dancer do upside down splits right in Tamra’s face and Tamra tells us she could be a gynecologist now.  Then Alexis says that Jimmy the Chin isn’t enjoying this one little bit; he’s just being a supportive husband.  Cut straight to Jim all bug-eyed and open-mouthed, staring up at some girl’s crotch.

"I'm so blessed to have a husband who doesn't enjoy these types of things."

As Gretchen gets into her police stripper outfit, Robin Antin listens to her practice singing and tells her to watch certain notes and maybe just whisper them instead of singing them.  HA!  Gretchen says she needed at least a week to practice on this particular stage with this particular microphone.  Oh Gretchen, a YEAR wouldn’t help you if just can’t sing.  Slade says he’s nervous because HE’S worked very, very hard on this performance and it’s a big step for both of them.  Worked hard at what, exactly?  Nagging Gretchen?  Making her text you from the next room to “spare” her voice? 

So Gretchen FINALLY comes out and sings Fever, and let me tell you - it’s not good.  Not for a professional performance.  Her voice is pretty weak, she’s off key through much of the song, and she sounds out of breath, like it’s too much effort to thrust her hips and sing at the same time.  If only she’d had a week to practice on this microphone.

And hadn't been forced to remember these complex dance moves.

Tamra says the vocals were “ehh,” but that Gretchen looked great.  Vicki tells us she wasn’t impressed.  Alexis says Gretchen did the best she could.  So basically everyone knows she sucked.  But they’re proud of her for getting up there. 

Back in Gretchen’s hotel suite, Crazy Sara from champagne bowling approaches Vicki and apologizes to her for going nuts on her at Heather’s bowling party.  Vicki just says thank you.  Gretchen comes out in sparkly underwear outfit #3, which is I guess her after-party outfit.  Everyone is really nice and tells her she did great.  When she says she feels like she was a little off, Tamra goes, “It’s your birthday!” In other words, yes Gretchen, you were off.  Tamra gives Gretchen a present, which is a picture of the two of them at the mud run, then Vicki hands Gretchen a gift and says she’s sorry (for their screaming match, I guess).  Gretchen says thank you and Vicki goes, “You can say you’re sorry back whenever you’re ready!” meaning RIGHT NOW OR ELSE.

Sara:  "I already said sorry and I have a slutty outfit too!  When do I become a permanent cast member?"

Slade gives a toast to momentarily distract from his douchiness.

The next day Vicki, Tamra, Heather and their men gather at a Blackjack table to play a few hands and discuss how mature Vicki is for apologizing to Gretchen.  Vicki says she can’t be in any toxic relationships.  I didn’t know she had any other kind.

And upstairs, Gretchen seems to have woken up PAINTED in blue eyeshadow and ready to hear Slade shower her with compliments both on her performance and for her birthday.  He also tells her she is a born performer and that if she just does what she loves she’ll never work a day in her life.  Then he gives a quintessential Slade quote:  “I truly feel like I have been blessed - my entire life I’ve never worked.”

"And the child support judge can quote me on that!"

BINGO!  I know he meant that he so loves being Gretchen’s manager that it doesn’t FEEL like work, but of course the truth is that Slade really doesn’t work!  He LOVES leeching so much that it doesn’t even feel like work anymore!  Gretchen says she’s the luckiest girl in the world and no amount of money could ever, ever, ever change that.  HA!  I love that she hid a reminder that Slade is broke inside of a compliment.  I also love that she thinks she’s lucky.

Back in Orange County, Vicki and Brooks are walking through a house that Vicki rents out. I guess she’s selling it due to the divorce.  She keeps pointing out all the fabulous features to Brooks and you can see the wheels in his shady mind turning.  We have flashbacks to previous seasons to remind us that Jeana sold Vicki this house and promised her it was a great investment and she’d never lose money on it.  After that, SLADE was Vicki’s tenant until he started living off of Gretchen.  And back to the present, when this house is worth a million dollars less than Vicki paid for it.  Oops.  Brooks comforts Vicki by telling her that a house is just a house, but she makes it a home.  What?  How does that help her feel better about losing a million dollars?  I guess it doesn’t because Vicki sobs.

Doesn't Hallmark make a "Sorry You Lost A Mil" card Brooks?

She says that she and Donn were going to sell their main house and move into this one for their retirement.  Brooks keeps the cliches coming.  Embrace the past, but don’t look to it - learn from it.  Was that today’s affirmation?  Or was it that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond?  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  A stitch in time saves nine.  In for a penny, in for a pound.  A woman needs a man like a fish needs a... wait, that one doesn’t help Brooks. 

Let’s see what Alexis is up to.  It looks like she’s gone against Jimmy the Chin’s advice and hired herself a coach.  She says that she and Jim prayed hard about it, but sometimes they come up with different answers.  Oh, is that how it works?  Anyway she starts off by telling her coach - Terry - that she knows she’s no Katie Couric (still pronounced “Cure-ick”), but she’d like to see where this can take her.  Terry tells Alexis that she has a lot to work on, starting with the slutty outfit Alexis wore to do a segment about the sexualization of children.

"Basically hon, you looked like an imbecile prostitute."

Terry says that live television is like a bus and as a presenter Alexis has to drive the bus and right now she’s only qualified to be a passenger.  In real life Alexis is also only a passenger in her own cars as well, which she has her assistants drive.  What does that tell you?  Terry has Alexis practice by presenting a news segment on a family home that is burning down.  HA HA!  AS IF Fox would ever entrust anything important to Alexis.  I guess the theory is that if she can master this she can certainly tell you which fruit your butt is shaped like.  Needless to say, Alexis is awkward and inappropriate, beginning each take with, “Hi!” even though Terry keeps telling her not to.  She even says it makes Alexis sound like a bimbo.  I’m starting to like Terry until she tells Alexis she might actually have a future in this.

In other news, somehow Heather has agreed to dine at one of Orange County’s many horrible restaurants.  She and Terry meet up with Gretchen and Slade.  Slade starts off by telling them what a good-looking couple they are.

"Well yes, obviously."

The Dubrows talk about the fact that they are Boo-Jews and tell about Heather’s Buddhist worry beads bracelet.  Terry says that the point of the beads is to remind you not to worry about anything because we’ll all be dead soon anyway.  That kind of philosophy sort of negates Terry’s whole career, wouldn’t you think?  Speaking of which, I’ve forgotten what Terry does.  I wish he’d remind me.   Then Gretchen tells about the record deal she’s working on (on what planet?) and how she wants to do something Broadway oriented.  Wow, she’s deluded.  Heather tells us she’s not sure Gretchen has a “Broadway voice.”  Ya think?  But she does congratulate Gretchen again on her Pussycat Dolls triumph.  Also, wasn’t Slade trying to launch a musical career for Jo de la Rosa as well?  Got any other tricks up that sleeve, Slade?  Slade keeps jumping in and saying what a cute couple Heather and Terry are.  What does he want from them?  Is he going to offer to launch music careers for them too?

"Terry, I have a feeling you're a dynamite tenor!"

Heather brings up that she can’t figure Alexis out and Terry flat out says that she’s phony,which prompts Heather to cut off his alcoholic beverages. 

The mini scene this week is Alexis meeting with a hang tag designer for Alexis Couture and leaving him every 10 seconds to give her daughter juice and change the TV channel.  Sooo, she has an assistant to straighten her hair but not to fill sippy cups while she’s in a meeting?

We drop in on Tamra as she’s bringing towels and a vacuum to her son Ryan who has just moved into his own “big boy” apartment.  In typical bachelor pad fashion, there is no furniture, but there is a 50 inch flat screen TV box lurking in the kitchen.  Tamra tells us that Ryan and Simon hated each other, but of course Ryan and Eddie just adore each other.  I remember when Simon got Ryan a job in the Mercedes parts warehouse and Ryan was all insulted because fetching parts was beneath him.  Maybe Eddie can hook him up with CEO job that’s suitable to his talents.  Tamra takes Ryan shopping for a couch on which he can watch his flat screen, but he can’t afford very much.  Tamra wants to help him out by loaning him money, but Eddie advises against it when she calls him for advice.  CEOs don’t borrow money from their mommies; they just buy cheap couches.  See what a fantastic stepdad Eddie will be?

I hear Brooks is looking for an intern...

Here we go!  Vicki, Briana and (a different) Ryan are sitting down to dinner at a restaurant.

"Pleasure to meet you, Mom.  I mean, MA'AM."

This is the guy Briana’s been dating that Vicki has never met.  He’s just back from Afghanistan.   Briana tells Vicki they have a bomb to drop on her and Vicki immediately starts twitching.  She says she doesn’t like bombs.  Briana says that with Ryan being in Afghanistan and her having surgery they’ve realized life is short, they want to be spontaneous, and they know what they want.  SO!  A couple of days ago they drove to Vegas, went to a drive-through wedding chapel and GOT MARRIED!  Wow, they didn’t even get out of the car!  How romantic.  Briana explains that she didn’t tell Vicki beforehand because she knew Vicki would freak out and she just didn’t want to deal with that.  But they DO still want to have a big wedding and all that stuff.  And I’m sure they still want Vicki to pay for it.  Vicki is horrified.  She seriously looks like she’s about to spontaneously combust.  She’s not sure what to say and blames herself for not being a good marriage role model.  Well, that’s a start, Vick.  She tells us she feels like she’s failed as a mother and wants them to get it annulled.  Briana says that when it’s right it’s right and they just didn’t want to wait.  Not even long enough to park the car and get out.

Next week!  FALLOUT!!!  Also, Slade brings up proposing to Gretchen AGAIN!  Please.  Vicki goes into another rough patch, and there is some sort of party where Vicki tells everyone Briana is married and then wants Ryan to meet Brooks.

So was anyone surprised at Gretchen’s performance?  And talk to me about this drive-through wedding!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Real Housewives of OC: Imaginary Careers

Hopefully we’ve all recovered from last week’s glamping adventure, because this week we’re heading to Vegas!

We join Alexis welcoming Gretchen into her home to watch her latest Fox 5 breaking news interview.  This is the last one we saw - about kids and sexualization.  I guess Gretchen was once on a morning show to promote her handbags so Alexis thinks she’s the expert on morning shows.  As Alexis tries to figure out how to pull up the segment on her computer, Gretchen goes, “I’m so glad that you got to do this, cause you know they asked ME to do this.”  Alexis is like, “What?”  And Gretchen says she’s way too busy to do it, so she’s glad Alexis gets to do it, but Fox DOES keep calling her and asking her to do it.  Alexis clarifies that this is her regular segment, like every week she does this.  Gretchen says yes, that’s what they keep asking her to do - a regular segment - so she’s glad Alexis gets to be second choice.  Wow.  I’m no Alexis fan, but that is pretty bitchy of Gretchen.  Even if it’s true.  Here’s Alexis’s big chance to say that she’s glad the Pussycat Dolls decided to use Gretchen as her understudy since she’s too Christian to appear in a stripper show, but she doesn’t.  She just plays her segment.

Gretchen: "Oh yeah, I see why they keep calling me."

Gretchen laughs at it and comments about how bad Alexis sounds and that her outfit was totally inappropriate for a segment on the sexualization of children.  She tells Alexis that she has a hosting coach who helps her connect with the audience.  I’m dying laughing because all I can think about is Gretchen BOMBING her hosting gig at the Improv and just standing there in her sparkly bikini because she couldn’t tell a joke to save her life!  Is that what her coach taught her?  Or was this “coach” just Slade with cue cards?  Alexis is mad that Gretchen didn’t just tell her she was great.

At Billionaire’s Row Heather is with her assistant once again loading stuff into the car.

"Did you COUNT the ice cubes in my macchiato?  I said THREE.  Not two.  Not four."

I’m so confused as to why she needs an assistant.  She’s a stay at home mom and you KNOW she’s got nannies.  The same goes for Alexis.  Who hires someone to carry their purse?  Heather reminds us that she’s an ACTRESS.  Heather Paige Kent, thank you very much.  She was on a show called “That’s Life” ten years ago and a Jenny McCarthy series about 15 years ago.  According to her imdb page, she’s one of those actresses whose career is made up of guest appearances here and there, with a couple of leads on short-lived projects.  I’ll admit, that’s more than I gave her credit for, but with the way she talks you’d think she was in demand.  Today Heather is going up to LA to audition for another series.  She reminds us that she hasn’t been acting because she has four children under the age of seven (she really likes saying that), but now that her kids are getting a little older she’s thinking of dusting off the old acting shoes.  AND like Alexis, Heather makes her assistant chauffeur her around.  Heather frets and frets in the car ride about how getting back into show business will take her away from her family.  Let’s calm down, Heather.  You’re taking a couple of hours to drive to Los Angeles.  No one’s asking you to even be away for an entire day yet.  She hedges her bets by saying she kind of hopes she doesn’t get the part because she doesn’t want to have to choose between her career and her family.  Don’t worry Heather.  You won’t.  So thank goodness you made it clear that you are ambivalent. 

Someone who is definitely choosing her career is Gretchen.  She’s on the couch folding Slades’ underwear while he looks through the kitchen cupboards for food and she calls all of the housewives to invite them to come to Las Vegas to see her Big Performance.

 "Geez Gretchen.  I'm making you a star. Can't you at least make me dinner?"

When she calls Tamra and mentions the laundry, Tamra tells us, “If you ain’t got a ring, you don’t fold a thing.”  Seriously.  Slade is like Gretchen’s 12-year-old son.  If only we could all be so lucky to find a MANager like him. 

And later at Billionaire’s Row, Heather is dressed like an extra from an Austin Powers movie and she talks her audition over with Terry, who is teaching their small son how to play pool.  He wants to know how much time this part would demand of Heather and she says it’s not a lead role (shocking!) so she wouldn’t have to be on set that much, but it shoots in Canada, so she WOULD have to move to another country.  Terry thinks Heather should be content with the amazing life they’re living now - paid for by the vanity of the Orange County masses - and not worry about a career of her own.  But he’ll support whatever she chooses.  He’s nervous though, because Canadian women are much happier with their faces and he doesn’t know how he would make a living.  Heather wants to do something for herself and not feel like she let life pass her by, but she also doesn’t want to miss out on raising her children.  This whole conversation is premature and probably unnecessary.  Heather went on an AUDITION.  She hasn’t been offered anything.  It’s certainly not time for Terry to open a new practice in Canada, although Heather does suggest an awesome signage opportunity:  “Botox, eh?” 

Keeping with the theme of balancing family and career, Alexis joins Jim in his home office where he’s doing who-knows-what to finance their next vehicular and/or real estate debacle, and she tells him she’s thinking of hiring a hosting coach like Gretchen did.

"ALEXIS.  How many times do I have to tell you - NEVER come in here."

Jim doesn’t understand how working with a hosting coach will help Alexis be a better wife.  She clarifies that it’s for her Fox gig and Jim worries that if Alexis starts working more than an hour a week she might figure out how money works and catch on that all he’s doing is cooking their books.  Apparently this requires wearing a backwards baseball cap.  He warns her to think really hard about missing seeing their kids grow up if she’s determined to drive the whole hour to San Diego every Friday for her segment and now wants to add meetings with a coach on top of that.  The kids won’t even recognize her if she doesn’t give up these silly pipe dreams.

Let’s check in on Vicki.  She’s packing for Vegas and there is a woman named Heidi helping her, who is labeled as “Vicki’s employee.”  Vicki has an assistant too?  Or is this just an insurance broker who was cajoled into helping Vicki pick out outfits?

 "If I choose this top will you finally give me last quarter's commission?"

Heidi wonders if there will be tension with the group, but Vicki says that this time she’s bringing Brooks in case things get mean.  He’s just as capable of sending nasty cards as he is romantic cards so if anyone crosses Vicki in his presence, they better watch their mailbox.

And now Slade and Gretchen have arrived in Vegas and are en route to their hotel.  Gretchen is beside herself knowing that she’s in Vegas to PERFORM on a VEGAS STAGE!  Slade goes on and on about once you’re a Pussycat Doll you’re always a Pussycat Doll, so Gretchen is right up there with Christina Aguilera and Pink.  Well, those two may have performed with the Pussycat Dolls, but do either of them have their own makeup line?  I didn’t think so.  And were they put up in a luxury suite in The Cosmopolitan hotel?  Ok, probably. 

The next day the rest of the gang arrives in Vegas and I guess they’re in an Escalade limo to go from the airport to their hotel (limos are lined up around the airport in Vegas, by the way, to take anyone with 50 bucks anywhere they want to go) and Heather mentions that Alexis has an Escalade.  Tamra says that Alexis gets a new car every 21 days and wonders if that’s how long it takes to repo.

 Tamra:  "I'll just buy my Escalade at the police auction that sells the Bellinos'."

Heather mentions the long list of cars Alexis gave her on the way home from glamping and wants to know what Jim does for a living.  No one knows.  When Heather says that Alexis called Jim an entrepreneur, Vicki goes, “Aren’t we all?” and Terry jumps on the opportunity to announce, “I’m a doctor!”  Thanks for this scene’s reminder, Terry!  Heather’s getting really suspicious of the Bellinos’ money and tells us she can’t stand people who are phony.  You picked the wrong show, Heather.  But she’s totally right about Alexis and Jim.  They are flying by the seat of Jim’s Ed Hardy jeans.  In other news, everyone is really nervous about Gretchen’s ability to sing...

Including Gretchen, who is arriving to rehearse.  Mikey, the choreographer, gives Gretchen some BASIC steps to do while she sings.  I mean like walking across the stage and waving.

 "Ok, forget waving.  Just hold your arm down like this.  You can do it!"

Gretchen starts to lose it because how is she supposed to remember all the words to her song and also remember all of these dance moves Mikey is throwing at her mere hours before the performance?  Plus her voice isn’t even a hundred percent yet from yelling at Vicki weeks ago.  Mikey tells her it’s all about the vocals because if those are no good, everyone loses.  I think everyone’s going to lose, whether Gretchen remembers to wave or not.

The gang is meeting up for food or cocktails or something and Vicki hugs Gretchen and tells her how proud she is.  See, when your daughter almost has cancer you realize it’s okay to be nice sometimes.

 "If you were a mother, Gretchen, you'd understand this new peace I've discovered."

Gretchen tells the girls how terrified she is because she’s not a burlesque performer and she has no idea how all this happened.  Well Gretchen, your 12-year-old manager set it all up and you agreed to it.  Heather chimes in that, in case we’ve forgotten, she used to tour with a 14 piece big band so she understands that performances like this are not easy.  And she opened for the Velvet Fog, so she REALLY KNOWS.

Alexis and Jim are late for dinner because Alexis has hired a Vegas makeup artist to do her face since her nose job bruises aren’t all gone yet.  I really think Alexis must be disabled.  She can not do ANYTHING by herself.  She can’t comb her own hair.  She can’t even put her own frozen peas on her face!  How much money would she save by buying a book on how to apply makeup?  Wait, then she’d have to read.  How much money would she save by taking a class on how to apply makeup instead of paying someone to do it for her every single time she leaves the house?  And every single time she doesn’t?  This particular makeup artist is a huge mistake.  Alexis looks like she’s in blackface.  Jim mentions that it looks rather dark and the girl says don’t worry, she’s going to put a lighter coat over the dark coat.  Huh?  Why not just start with a light coat?  While the makeup girl digs through her bag for something Alexis runs around the room hopping up and down and loud-whispering to Jim that it’s too much makeup.  Just too much!  Jim is just annoyed that this is taking so long, so Alexis shoos the girl out and frantically dabs at her face with baby wipes, screaming, “Babe I can’t get it off!”  See what I mean about disabled?  And that was several hundred dollars well spent, I’m sure.

 "Jim, will you ask the concierge to call a makeup REMOVAL artist?  I can't do this."

When Alexis has finally mopped enough excess makeup off her face, she and Jim show up at the restaurant and Tamra calls Jim “Jimmy the Chin Bellino” because apparently he has gotten a chin implant!  I scoured the interwebs for before and after pictures and it seems that he also got liposuction on his neck.

 Or it could just be the lack of the stunning fauxhawk.

This guy is a piece of work!  And what happened to never wanting to hang out with these people ever again?  I guess he wanted a chance to get his new face on TV.  His chin does look better, but there is no procedure that removes douche.  Not even at Terry’s practice.  Alexis tells the exciting story of her Las Vegas makeup artist gone awry, to which Tamra responds that she still looks like a drag queen, which she does with all that heavy eye makeup.  And next to tell a story is Brooks, who presents Alexis and Jim with a scenario.

In keeping with his habit of sending Vicki daily affirmations or daily quotes, Brooks recently sent Vicki the following story:

Man tells woman you mean the world to me and I want to shout it to the world.  Woman tells man, then shout it to the world.  Man leans over to woman and whispers in her ear, I love you.

OMG, Brooks has major problems.  The most prominent of which, right now, is that Vicki doesn’t understand this idiotic tale. And Alexis is truly baffled.  Major backfire.  Instead of making Vicki swoon, Brooks has made her feel confused and intellectually inferior.  This isn’t going to bode well with his plans of becoming a major reality star.  He tries to explain that in the story the woman IS the man’s whole world, but Vicki still doesn’t get it.  Alexis advises Brooks not to use such big words and complex ideas. 

In this week’s mini scene, Jim and Terry swap in vitro stories.  Remember, they both have twins!  They discuss how they had to produce their sperm specimens.  Next!

To everyone’s dismay, this Pussycat Dolls BS is being dragged out yet another week because Gretchen is still just getting her hair fluffed and her makeup exaggerated.  Oh and her sequined corset tightened.

Stripper Barbie (hoarse edition)

As the gang files into the club and gets settled, Alexis frets that this looks like a strip club.  Yeah, what did you think the Pussycat Dolls were?  A puppet show?  In a burst of spiritual emotion, Alexis finds Gretchen and says a prayer with her to help her be a gooder stripper.  That about sums up Alexis’s religious existence, I would say.

Next week!  This performance better happen or my poor precious television is going to end up paying the price!  Oh and I think we also get to see Briana shatter Vicki’s world.  HA!

Remember, dear readers, there is no “us” without “u.” 

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Real Housewives of OC: Must Love Glamping

Last week on RHOC, Tamra decided small boobs are better, and Gretchen’s friend Sara went all Christian Bale on the housewives at Heather’s champagne bowling party.  Let’s see what’s going on now.

Vicki drops by to pay Tamra a condolence call on no longer having a chest.  She’s really irritated that Tamra seems to have taken a step toward unaugmented self love, so she drops nasty comments right and left:  she needs a microscope to see Tamra’s boobs, Tamra will never have sensation in her boobs again, Eddie doesn’t give good cards like Brooks does, etc.

"I've had it up to here with your healthy self-esteem, Tamra!"

Tamra changes the subject and wants to hear about what went down at the bowling party.  Vicki says that Sara is insane and oh yeah, Alexis called Vicki to find out about it as well.  Tamra doesn’t appreciate Vicki trying to be friends with Alexis, but Vicki thinks Tamra deserves it for being friends with Gretchen.  And now Vicki’s tired of this conversation and has to get back to the insurance office.  She would have brought Tamra some sort of gift - like a padded push-up bra - but she didn’t have time what with work and all. 

Oh goody, we’re stopping in at the think tank that is Alexis’s house.  She has a friend/employee sitting at the kitchen table putting together packets with the ingredients to make s’mores.  This is part of the gift packs Alexis will be giving all the gals when they go glamour-camping, or glamping.

"I still don't get why they're not just called s'amiches..."

This apparently involves staying in a cabin with running water, but with a fire pit outside.  So yeah, like going in your backyard, but more expensive.  Shannon, the friend/employee, congratulates Alexis on planning such a laid back trip for the girls and Alexis reminds us that she’s from Missouri so she’s used to animals and being outside.  But Dr. Boobies told her that her nose isn’t all healed yet and she needs to bring a nurse into the wilderness with her in case of sinus blockage or a brain hemorrhage.  We learn that Shannon is Alexis’s hair and makeup girl, so she’ll fit the bill for a nurse just perfectly!  Plus she’ll take it as a huge compliment instead of realizing it’s the worst nursing gig ever.  

Over at Gretchen’s our voiceless singer is packing up her crap to go glamping and Slade is yelling up at her from downstairs asking if she needs anything, but for heaven’s sake, don’t call out an answer, TEXT him back.  Gretchen laughs then yells down that she’s texting him right now.  Slade is exasperated because after all, if Gretchen can’t perform with the Pussycat Dolls, 20% of nothing is... nothing.  He gets mad enough to come into the same room to talk to Gretchen and tells her she can’t go glamping because she can’t keep her yap shut and her voice will never bounce back.

"You're endangering my livelihood and that's where I draw the line!"

And later Shannon is chauffeuring Alexis on the first leg of glamping (I guess driving might cause Alexis’s nostrils to implode), which is over to Vicki’s house.  Oh look who’s coming - Briana!  An actual nurse!  An actual nurse who would never agree to be Alexis’s weekend nurse, by the way.  Vicki reminds us what a dark place she and Briana just came out of with the cancer scare, so glamping is really something they need to do this weekend. I’m sure sleeping in a cabin with her mother will be just the ticket to soothe Briana’s frazzled nerves.  Heather pulls up with an assistant of her own, who is there to help her move her stuff from her car into Alexis’s car.  Heather’s mad to discover that the cabins don’t come with blow dryers.  Well Heather, send that assistant out to buy you one and bring it to the woods. Oh and PS, Heather has been glamping before - on the fairway at her country club.  I’m not kidding.  I guess billionaires have either really long extension cords or blow-dryer-equipped fairways. 

Heather rides with Vicki and Briana, and over in Alexis’s car, Alexis tells Shannon that she’s going to shut her brain off and stop working.  You mean her brain has been ON all this time?  Oh dear.  After bobbing her head around to the car radio for about seven seconds, Alexis needs an ice pack on her nose and reclines for the rest of the drive.

"Jesus take the wheel."

Tamra’s not glamping because she’s post-op and also she hates Alexis.  Eddie comes over with flowers and they play with the implants Tamra just had removed.  Eddie says Tamra used to look like a hooker.  Oh and he has a huge cast on his arm from when he broke his pinky in the mud run.  Why don’t these two hire a nurse for the weekend?  Tamra could use some ice packs and Eddie’s entire arm is out of commission.

This is what happens when you consult Heather's husband over a broken pinky nail.

The gals arrive to check-in for glamping.  Heather’s left her assistant behind and demands a king-sized bed for her private cabin.  Vicki is worried about Heather staying alone because the bears might get her.  Those would be the bears of Santa Barbara, which they are just outside of.  Next stop is the Canyon Market, which also provides all kinds of food choices that will be delivered to the ladies’ fire pit for them to grill.  They order up different marinated meats and whole bunch of liquor.  When everyone gets to their cabins they discover the gift packs Alexis made up for them.  The following poem is displayed with the gifts:
    With our crazy lives, our time is dire.
    So let’s grab a glass of wine and have s’mores by the fire!
    xoxo, Alexis

Vicki is all put out by the use of the word “dire,” but realizes Alexis needed to rhyme something with “fire.”  Besides, we all “flumble” words sometimes, she says.  Alexis is on the phone to the front desk ordering ice and a wine opener.  She discovers an ice tray in the mini fridge freezer and is astounded to learn that you can make your own ice!  If only she knew what it was made out of!

Outside the girls sit around drooling over some wine bottles while they wait for the opener to arrive.  Heather is the last one to emerge from her cabin because she had to find a “red wine glass” and I guess the others were happy with white wine glasses or something.  Peasants.

Heather:  "Just because we're in the jungle doesn't mean we have to be barbaric."

Vicki hides out in her cabin to talk to Brooks on the phone, which Briana doesn’t appreciate.  She tells us that her mom’s relationship with Brooks is weird because it’s getting pretty serious and Briana barely knows him.  I bet I know a way for Briana to get back at Vicki!

And back outside around the fire pit (no fire yet), Heather is drilling Alexis about why on earth she and Jim are renting a home when they go around acting like they’re as rich as the Trumps.  Alexis says Jim is overly cautious about purchasing a home after his last foreclosure disaster and besides, renting isn’t that much more expensive than buying.  HA!

"We actually SAVE money by spending more every month on a house that isn't ours."

Oh Heather, don’t you know it’s not a woman’s place to bother her pretty head about money?  Alexis tells her that they are beyond happy because they’ve turned everything over to God.  Heather nods and thinks of her giant Buddha statue.

"Billionaire's Row has a 'no renters' policy."

Gretchen calls Alexis at the fire pit and takes 15 minutes to explain that her voice is still on the fritz and she can’t be hanging out with the girls in the woods because all she would be doing is talking, which would ruin her voice for her Pussycat Dolls performance and she also still needs to learn her song because she has no idea how she’s supposed to sing it when she’s up there on stage, you know, so she just can’t come glamping, not this time.  Thank goodness she’s sparing her voice.  Vicki is thrilled NOT to be seeing Gretchen. 

Alexis keeps whining that this is not glamping, it’s regular camping because there are bugs.  Does she realize there are also insects when she steps outside of her home?  Or outside of the salon, or the mall, or wherever else she goes?  I thought she was from Missouri.  But to help with the bothersome outdoors, Alexis has brought a gift scarf for everyone.

A guy finally comes with the food that was ordered and shows Heather how to start a fire with the special provided glamping tools.  When he leaves, Heather follows his step-by-step directions and Vicki argues with every single one of them.  Heather seems to be the only one who can stand up to Vicki without everything turning into a catfight.  And luckily so, because the fire is built properly so the food can be grilled.  If anyone had listened to Vicki, they’d be trying to rub sticks together.  And Alexis is already on the phone trying to order a pizza because she doesn’t trust the looks of the campfire. Nor does she trust a noise that suddenly comes from the woods and she grabs her phone to call 911.  But before the SWAT team can arrive everyone realizes it’s just a skunk and Vicki scares it off by screeching at it.  Works every time!

"Let me tweet this before you scare him off."

After dinner, Vicki waxes thoughtful about the importance of life.  This is what she’s learned to do after Briana’s huge brush with cancer.  She announces that she wants to appreciate everyone and that she needs to make things right with Gretchen.  Alexis thinks that’s great, but she’s back on the phone with the front desk wanting to know how they throw away the trash.  She’s directed to a trash bin, but after walking five feet from the fire decides it’s too much work and calls the front desk back to tell them she’ll just leave the trash and they can come put it in the bin.  Please come again, Alexis!  And be sure to bring all your friends!  And the cameras!

The next morning, Heather calls her husband to find out which surgeries he’s performed so far today.  Don’t worry, Heather - we still know he’s a plastic surgeon.

"You're at the CLINIC you say?  Performing SURGERIES? Just another day in the life of a DOCTOR!"

She’s mad that she forgot her “special pillowcases” and has awakened with little lines on her face.  Um, I don’t think those are from a pillowcase, Heather.  They may be permanent.  If only you were married to a plastic surgeon who could Botox them out.  Also, Heather needed an ASSISTANT to load her crap into Alexis’s car.  That’s how much stuff she brought for one night and she STILL forgot a hair dryer and pillowcases.

In Vicki’s cabin, Briana tells Vicki she’s going to hang out with Ryan tonight.  Ryan is Briana’s beau who has been gone in Afghanistan.  Ah ha!  This is the guy we’ve been hearing about on the interwebs!  Vicki is irritated that she doesn’t know Ryan, but Briana tells us that’s very deliberate.  Good call, Briana.  You don’t want him running before this season airs.

Alexis wakes up cold because she and her assistant didn’t find the thermostat until morning.

Over breakfast at the restaurant, the girl talk turns to rings.  Who has what wedding ring and what do you do with your ring when you get divorced, etc.  Alexis tells about how when she and Jim lived in a NON-GATED COMMUNITY they were robbed and the robbers took Jim’s 80 thousand dollar watch.  They probably watched the show and saw Jim telling the cameras exactly how much everything cost.  Heather is appalled to learn that the watch wasn’t insured and even more appalled to learn that Alexis is now so paranoid that she wears a fake ring around.  Heather is downright suspicious of people who rent their homes and wear fake diamonds. 

Heather:  "Next you'll be telling me there are decent restaurants in Orange County!"

Oh geez, Gretchen’s having another vocal session in another desperate attempt to save her Pussycat Dolls appearance.  I’m so sick of this Pussycat Dolls show I could vomit and it hasn’t even happened yet!  And WORD, Annie, on your comment last week about NO ONE CARING ABOUT THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS!!  Slade acts like Gretchen’s opening for Lady Gaga or something. Their trashy moment was over years ago.  She’s singing “Fever,” which honestly isn’t an extremely difficult song and all Gretchen can do is croak it out.

"Don'tcha wish your girlfriend could sing like me?"

On the way home Gretchen frets and frets.  Slade tells her to just listen to the song over and over because she’s got to come up with some way to make this work!  He’s got to eat!  Slade blames Gretchen for yelling at Vicki and Gretchen blames Slade for his stupid comedy routine that pissed her off in the first place.

Back to our glampers.  They’re coming home now and Heather is in Alexis’s car listening to Alexis rattle off the cars she and her husband own.  A convertible Bentley, a Phantom, and Alexis is getting an SL55 to replace her Beemer, and they’re in some SUV right now.  Heather tells us that Alexis needs to shut up because Heather doesn’t care about all her fancy cars.  THIS from the woman who proudly told us she lives on Billionaire’s Row and that her husband is dropping 65 grand on new suits.  And let’s not forget the million dollars in play money for her freaking restaurant.  This isn’t your soapbox to preach on, Heather.

Next week!  FINALLY Gretchen does her stupid Pussycat Dolls performance so we can all move on!  The whole gang comes to Las Vegas for the occasion, which looks like a great setting for more fights!  See you then!

And I’d like to give Sheesh a shout out for reminding me of a pearl of wisdom given to Vicki from Brooks.  It may be my new sign-off:  Remember, darling readers, there is no “us” without “u.” 

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta